So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
