I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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