JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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