I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
two words: eviction party
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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