Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize