I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
