oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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