My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize