Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He felt like a one man threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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