My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation