I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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