you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
