You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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