How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
