I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
