I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
