I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
