i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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