Betty ford says i'm here all night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
