I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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