So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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