so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
