I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
