Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
