Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize