You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
