shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
