the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
