I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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