i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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