he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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