so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
