I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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