Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
