I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
