Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
