my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
