my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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