Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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