I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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