He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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