I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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