My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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