u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
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I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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