I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
