Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
