when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
