seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
