I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
