Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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