I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And then my night got REAL pukey
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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