sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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