I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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