then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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