were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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