Pregnant stripper...not hot.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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