it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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