Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
